Random Thoughts on Dynamics

Today I find myself very unsure of what to write. Recently I went on a trip to see Kai. Due to location constraints nothing of note on the kink scale could take place. There was still an amount of power exchange that went on; as I am sure will always be the case between the two of us. But there were no scenes or floggings or overt displays of control. I guess I will go into that, the dynamics of a kink relationship around others.

You have many different types of BDSM relationships. You have everything from the “weekend warriors” as I have heard them called to the 24/7 lifers. Each of them seems to think there is something wrong with or less genuine about the other. However, that argument is best left for another time. Right now I am going to talk about a dynamic, which in my opinion should be common to them all and that is the way the couple treats one another outside of scenes or around “vanilla” people. I think the reason this strikes me today is during my trip to see Kai we spent a great deal of time around vanilla people, specifically in this case her parents and relatives. Now the idea that a relationship between two people can completely change because of the presence or lack of people is very foreign to me and I have never seen it work. When I say this I mean examples like the couple that is constantly at each other’s throats when their friends are around claiming they are fine when they are alone together, or the abusive relationship that is “ok” when they are alone. So since you can’t completely change the dynamic of your relationship this is about controlling it so others see it as “normal”. In this Kai and I do very well together, when others are around we keep our dynamic below the surface. She is well aware of what is appropriate and what is not so she doesn’t us the presence of people to push that line. I also know what is appropriate for mixed company and alter my statements and actions accordingly. As I have read over and thought about the last bit of this post I realized that it has become somewhat of a “what I want/like in a submissive” post. I promise this was not the original intent and I will try and bring it back to something more meaningful.

I think what I am saying is that you don’t need to be the “freak controlling/controlled” couple nor do you need to give up what you are when you’re in public. There is a balance that can be maintained fairly easily. I have heard several great ideas for some of the common things that BDSM couples do in their relationships. If you like formal names such as Sir, or Master find a public name that you can agree on with your submissive. This could be something as simple as Mine or anything else that you both think is fitting for public circumstances. If your submissive likes being commanded you can insert the publicly acceptable please into the command but make her aware that this is for obfuscation purposes only and it still is a command and if she fails to perform it she will be punished later. You can very easily pass off your submissive sitting at your feet as being cute or cuddly if she is simply allowed to sit opposed to kneeling etc. I think the biggest thing in these cases is that both parties know the expectations before the situations arise. That way no one is left saying “I didn’t know that was the way it was”. While Kai and I had no specific things that were decided on before I came to visit I am certain that she knows that had she misbehaved she would have been reprimanded for it.

That brings me to a completely experienced based observation. I have noticed that with my play partners that if we scene more than once or twice our dynamic bleeds into our relationship outside of play a little. It is simple things like if I offer them a seat they sit simply because I said they could, if I ask for a drink they get it, there is always a different feel between regular play partners. I am not entirely sure where it comes from but it is something I have noticed. I will leave you with that thought, and perhaps you will evaluate your own play partners and see if you feel the same.