A Moment of Reflection on the Idea of Safewords

I was having a conversation with Kai last night about the differences between those in more “hardcore” relationships and those that are casual players. When it comes down to it I view this scale as a sliding one, a person doesn’t have to be all the way on one end or the other. If I had to rate myself on this scale I would say I am in the middle somewhere. I really don’t just play on the weekends or casually, though that is how I started. In the same breath, I don’t prescribe to some of the more strict things that are common to those in 24/7 power exchange or “hardcore” relationships either. Kai, on the other hand, really is the more casual kink, this is changing but that is still what I would class her as. The people she has played with have been sparse and the sessions they have done together few. So given that, I didn’t really find her post all the surprising when I read it. She prescribes to the classic BDSM rules, those that everyone that is breaking into the lifestyle should know and follow. This particular post of hers was about the use and prevalence of the safeword in the scene/community. She encountered some quotes that claimed that “a submissive with a safeword is a dominant on their knees”.

Her initial affront at this is from the casual player mentality, which on some levels I share with her. If you are a person that has had several partners or is changing a partner a safeword should be necessary. I say this for the safety of everyone involved in the scene. There are limits that everyone possesses. I do mean everyone; anyone that says they have no limits is an accident waiting for a place and time. So to a casual player a safeword is a hard and fast rule. If you don’t have one you are stupid and looking to be hurt. However, to a couple that has been together for some time and knows each other very well a safeword might not be required. In fact, it may make both of them get more out of a particular scene if there isn’t a safeword. I am not saying that every scene they have should be absent a safeword but that is their call not mine. What I am saying is that a lack of a safeword isn’t intrinsically a bad idea. The concept of safewordless play has come up in my experience in BDSM. This was because my partner thought she would get more out of this particular scene if there was no safeword. The scene never took place so I can’t tell you what the experience is like to go without one but it was a request that was made. This sort of brings us to the concept of BDSM “rules”.

Many people are insulted by the thought that BDSM has rules. Claiming that the scene is a place without rules and limitation is foolish and I pity anyone caught in a relationship with a partner that believes this way. Having said that there are rules in BDSM play doesn’t mean there are things that one should never do, it is merely saying that there are things you need to know. For instance, since it pertains to Kai’s post and this conversation topic, the idea of a safeword. This is a BDSM rule, as you read above I am not against choosing not to use this rule but it is still a rule. Now what do I mean when I say it is a rule if I also think that you can choose not to use it? Well allow me to explain. When I say that you can bend and break the rules of BDSM this is what I mean. If you know the risks involved with what you are doing and why you are doing it, and your partner knows the same, you can bend or break the rules. How does this apply to a safeword? Well if you are a Dominant you must know why a submissive would need a safeword in the first place. For some of you that fancy yourselves dominant this may seem unnecessary. If a submissive is submitting to you why would they need a way to retract that submission? Well perhaps you cross a boundary they didn’t know they had. Maybe conceptually playing with a particular toy doesn’t bother them but when you sit down with them and fire up that violet wand and touch them with it the sensation scares them. If they start to feel unsafe then something could go wrong and disaster strikes, you have a person that is bound terrified and struggling, your scene went from BDSM to the realm of torture and you have no idea how it happened. See, with a safeword the submissive partner can let you know that something makes them feel unsafe before you hit the point that they are panicking and the scene takes a turn for the worse. I can already hear the protests from those completely against the use of safewords. They sound something like this “But then the submissive is controlling the scene and that is topping from the bottom” or something equally stupid. I hate to break it to all those dominants out there but in the end the submissive is in control of the scene from the start. If you think that people should submit to you just because you proclaim yourself a dominant this is not the lifestyle for you. Why? Simply put, you are an asshole that likes to abuse your partner and have a false sense of entitlement. Submission is the greatest of gifts and can be retracted at any moment for any reason. As a dominant you must earn your submissive by being the best you can be. That involved admitting your errors correcting yourself and always trying to learn and be better. The best dominants I know admit to their errors and are ten times harder on themselves for making them than there ever are on a submissive that errs.

I will leave this train of thought for now before it becomes so long that no one will read it. I will continue with some other “rules” of BDSM in a later post.